Cameron has been waffling on about British Values again…but I cannot find a list of what values I, as a Brit, am supposed to have, is it like the Ten Commandments? Would this list of #BritishValues suffice? Sadly, many of these “values” are those by which so many people of Britland seem to live. Sorry about that…
- Whinge interminably about the weather, even when it’s lovely and sunny and hot, especially when it’s lovely and sunny and hot
- Drink lots of booze, at almost any opportunity, then complain about binge drinkers causing weekend havoc in our towns and cities
- Apologise when someone bumps into you, spills your drink, abuses you in any way, subtle or serious
- Always think of a witty riposte days later following any interaction or altercation
- Put up with endless queuing
- Mutter under your breath when someone jumps ahead of you in the queue
- Complain about everyone getting cancer these days and then ignore sensible government health advice regarding food, booze, smoking and exercises based on scientific evidence, blaming “chemicals” and “genes” instead
- Take notice of celebrity health advice and ignore your doctor
- Moan about our sports teams and players not winning and then moan even more when they do win and become famous and end up in the tabloids doing silly things in nightclubs or on twitter
- Drink tea with almost every meal (Mainly #YorkshireValue)
- Whine about the way people from neighbouring counties act, talk and look, even though people who aren’t from those neighbouring counties don’t hear a difference in your accent or see any behavioural differences between you
- Defend separate hot and cold taps on the sink
- Not be confused by the fact that electric sockets have an on-off switch even though every device you might plug in has its own on-off switch
- Complain vehemently when people misuse, their/they’re/there, it’s/its, fewer/less even when it’s just a typo and who else cares really, anyway?
- Worry more about holding the door open for someone and feeling sexist if you’re a bloke and it’s a woman rather than just being sensible and holding the door for anyone who’s following you into the room or building.
- Never buy the Big Issue because they’ll “just spend the money on drugs”
- Use your knife and fork properly
- Hold your pen properly
- Sit up straight
- Struggle into work when you’ve so obviously got a highly infectious viral infection, such as a cold or flu
- Refer to a bad cold as flu, but still struggle into work
- Get a cold and then use the same cotton hanky all week, waving its germ-ridden soppiness around at every opportunity to ensure that as many other people as possible become infected
- Take a sickie when you’ve got a hangover or feel a bit knackered mid-week and need a day off to binge on a DVD boxset
- Complain how nobody else has done a proper day’s work in their lives, they’re all scroungers
- Still not get all that equality stuff about race, gender, accessibility and stuff
- Start sentences with “I’m no bigot but…”
- Believe the opinionated garbage published in the tabloids and imagine that The Daily Fail offers a balanced perspective on national and international affairs and any other topic
- Share news items and opinions pieces from The Daily Fail as if they offer such a balanced perspective on national or international news that everyone should be made aware of its content
- Ignore the actual Highway Code time and again, but scream abuse and expletives from the safety of your car at any other road user who does not adhere to your strict, personal version of said code
- Think it’s fine to use your knees to steer your car/lorry when you’re opening a KitKat, tuning the radio, trying to text to say you’re on-time
- Fail to turn up on voting day and then complain when that lot get in.
- Complain about “bloody foreigners” coming over here, stealing our jobs and/or scrounging our benefits and not speaking English language…and not recognise the inherent racism and irony in that stance
- Become an ex-pat and not bother to pick up the lingua franca or make friends with any “foreigners” in your adopted country